Amy Gravseth

Romance Gem

2012-02-16T17:10:00.000-08:00

Today's gem honors this month of love. While going thru boxes this week I found an old envelope. Upon opening it I discovered two letters in my grandfathers handwriting. At first I was unsure who they were addressed to and assumed it was my mom. But as I began reading, I quickly realized they were written to my grandmother and were dated 1946. The first was a letter he wrote to her before they were married. In it he wrote about how much he loved her and couldn't wait to be married. The second was written just two weeks before they married and included instructions about what needed to happen on grandma's end since grandpa was still in the military.

I won't give away all the secrets of the letters but share a couple of my favorite lines: "Did I ever tell you that I love you my Darling. My life seems empty when I am away from you sweetheart. I can hardly wait until we will be together for always."

I am not sure where mom got the letters, but my guess is she inherited them after grandma passed away. In my mind grandma held onto them for roughly 30 years. My hope is to keep them for my children to some day see how their great grandparents loved one another.

Today's Gem

2012-02-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

It often benefits me that my memory is so poor. I tend to not remember parts of movies and therefore can watch them over and over and be surprised. I also can't remember some parts of town I've been to before and therefore everyday can be about discovering new places. But as I continue to pilfer thru mom's belongings and share some of them with you at her possible expense, I also don't always remember where items (that I should remember) came from or why. I remember these glasses from childhood (as you may as well) but am not confident about from where they came. I want to say they were the type that were free with a certain McDonald's order. But for all I know mom picked them up at a garage sale. What do you think?

Little Gems

2012-02-02T16:28:00.000-08:00

I have been having a hard time writing lately since I have been working through mom’s death. I have been dealing with the grief of it and probably several other things piled beneath it in a huge pile of ugly gunk. So in an effort to keep you, my fateful followers, interested I have decided to have a little fun at mom’s expense.

I have started going thru all her things, you know, trying to decide what to keep, what to donate and what to throw away. As I have been doing this I have come across a couple of really fun items. Some of them are a little disturbing, some are just funny and of course some are sentimental. So I have decided to share them with you! Each week I’ll post one or two on here. Feel free to enjoy and if you think you have a better explanation as to why mom owned it, feel free to comment. Here are a couple to get us started.... Enjoy.

Historical Data

2012-01-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

Recently I have been looking at a lot of old family photos; some I had never seen and are circa 1930’s and 1940’s. I found photos of my parents when they were very young; children in fact. Other photos were of their parents when they were children and throughout their lives. I could look at these photos all day. I love the nostalgia they ignite; the history. Somehow it reminds me that my parents and grandparents are more than just parents and grandparents or even spouses. They were children who wrote letters to Santa, teenagers who lived at home with their family, young and single hoping to find the right partner. They are people. Someday I’ll be in my 80’s (Lord willing). I wonder what will be said when looking at my photos. They will likely comment on the hairstyle and fashions and try to figure out where I fit in within the family. They may begin to look at me as more than an 80 year old, but as a young girl.

I’ve always enjoyed going into museums and looking at photos of what a city looked like many years before. For example when they show what is now a main street but in a photograph 30 years ago. I love to see how it has changed. I wish I could put together a museum of my family. Gather everything I could find and lay it out in preservation for people to come see. I would put out pictures of grandma from her senior year in high school and pictures of grandpa from when he served in the war along with his medals and the letters he wrote home. I’d put out my great grandfathers honorable discharge papers from the Italian army and the photo of him and his wife on their wedding day.

I suppose it scares me a bit to not know all the stories; all the names of people in the pictures. It scares me that their lives might fade away if someone isn’t there to tell their stories. But even then how far back can we go? Realistically today, right now, I can only go back about three generations. Beyond those it might be already lost. The Italian great grandfather mentioned above, I don’t know anything of his life in Italy, only stories after he came to America. Makes me wonder for how many generations my name will be known. Helps me remember I am a normal person. I am living a quiet life and it’s okay. I wonder if all this digital hoopla will make any difference. If after I’m long gone later generations can google me, will it help? Will they be able to find a Facebook page I never closed? Will Facebook be in fact some kind of updated version of the records one can find at Ellis Island (Lord help us!)?

I suppose for now I’ll continue to enjoy looking at photos and hearing stories and trying to figure out how I can help them live on, leaving the rest up to future generations to figure out.

36 Years

2011-12-28T20:20:00.000-08:00

I knew my mom for exactly 36 years. She passed away December 15th, one day before my 36th birthday. I’ve experienced nearly every possible emotion over the past 12 days. In fact it’s difficult to believe it’s only been that long. It feels now like it’s been 100 days. Mom had her first heart attack 18 months ago. As a result the doctors found she had Congestive Heart Failure. She had one functioning artery for her heart and it was only functioning at about 50%. Many of her other organs were in the same condition. As time went by I was often asked how mom’s health was. My typical answer was that she was okay. I knew she wasn’t getting any better and wouldn’t. Her condition was only going to get worse. I knew mom wouldn’t live to be really old and that it could possibly be a long, hospital ridden road. Yet even in all that it hit me like a ton of bricks when I got a call from my brother telling me mom had had another heart attack and it didn’t look good. As it turned out I was surprised by how suddenly it all happened. In every practical sense, she was gone before ever reaching the hospital. The next day we turned off the life support. I sat there with her as her heart slowed, a little numb. That moment in life is not something you can prepare for.

Mostly now, it just seems unreal that she is gone. I think because I didn’t see her on a daily basis it seems possible she is still here and I’m just not with her.

I feel like my life is different now; that I am changed. It’s like everything else that adds definition to who I am; I am now a person who’s mom has passed away. It changes my perspective and my understanding of things. I’ve already learned a lot about people around me; both those related and those not. I am daily reminded of the things in my life that she will miss and about all the “items” she left behind that just don’t seem to really matter anymore. I don’t know what the future held for our relationship and have to trust God that there was a reason He took her at this time. I am thankful she is now pain free and in a healthy body. She is no longer stuck in the trappings of this world but instead before her Saviour.

December 2011

2011-12-01T11:02:00.000-08:00

It’s December 1st. I am 15 days away from my last day in the security of my salary and the beginning of a new chapter (ha! no pun intended). My last day at work is December 15 and the next day is my 36th birthday. It wasn’t planned that way, But it’s really amazing that I will kick off my 37th year with a giant leap of faith in both myself and the Lord. I am anxious about the change, the uncertainty of it all, the lifestyle of an artist; but at the same time I’m calm. Sometimes I think I should really be more anxious. Either I am just ignoring it and living in denial or I am at peace with where I am headed and know it’ll be ok. It’ll be amazing to look back next December.

I reviewed my blog entries from last December and found this:

It has been over a year since I have written anything on this blog. I am embarrassed about the lack of attention I have given it as of late. I have made excuses and let other things be a priority. I have let my love of writing fall away. I want to pick it up again; to discipline myself; to not squander the gift I've been given.

It took me awhile to get back on track after that. But here I am. In the groove again and in two weeks, I’ll be in the groove full time--crazy!

The path of a writer can be scary. Like any art it’s all about perception and preference. One person (you, of course) will love my writing, while their neighbor will hate it. I wonder sometimes if I am healthy enough to handle it. But then after reading, Bird by Bird by Anne Lamont (great book by the way) I learned all artists are a little mentally unstable. Great! I fit right in. Then while you’re wrestling with your talent, your choice, you see someone else just randomly write a book about one life experience they had and you’re instantly jealous because now they are calling themselves a writer and you feel like some kind of chump.

All that to say...this chump is going for it. Stay posted.

Thanks.

2011-11-23T12:21:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of Thanksgiving I started out writing a humorous piece on things I am thankful. I started by listing items like Q-tip, control top panty hose and therapy. But as I continued my list I kept coming across less funny and more touching items like family and second chances. Don’t get me wrong, it was sprinkled with the realities of being thankful for lipsticks, passing lanes, Les Schwaabs policy on borrowing tires, and ear buds that let me pretend to listen to music so I don’t have to talk to anyone. Alas, I join the sentimentals out there and share a list of some of the things for which I am thankful:

That I have so many grandparents who are still living.

For the roof over my head.

For my ability to walk, run and move freely.

For the parents who let me love and help lead their children.

For friends who are committed to friendship with me for the long haul, no matter how much baggage I bring on the trip.

For my brother and sister, even when they drive me crazy.

For my solid education.

For the freedom to worship freely whenever and wherever I want.

For a paid off car.

For a roommate with patience.

For the courage to make life changes.

For my talent as a writer and humorist.

For camping even when it’s in the rain.

For my gym buddy.

For being taught that writing thank you notes is not up for discussion.

For remembering what I am thankful for even when the computer shuts down and I have to recreate the list.

For my teen and nearly teen god-children who still like to spend time with me.

For my ability to fall both up and down stairs.

For my 30’s.

For knee high socks.

For youthful looking skin.

For Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.

For Pizza.

That my brother’s “booger cemetery” is in his wife’s car and not mine.

That I rarely feel the need to do push-ups and even less often to wear a push up bra.

For an uncanny ability to always pick the slowest lane. Every time.

That in Portland, no one really cares how you dress.

For my ability to digest dairy.

For you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The Coffee Shop.

2011-11-17T12:58:00.000-08:00

This morning I visited a local unspecified coffee shop. I was there meeting a couple friends and upon arriving said my hellos and that I would be right back after I ordered my beverage. Heading up to the counter, I saw one person at the register and stood behind her. During the next few moments, others entered the shop and stood to my side. I thought to myself, “This is a little weird. Perhaps normally the line is to the side instead of behind, but surely these folks can see that I am next.” But, to my dismay, the first person to my side walked up right in front of me. Now, I am working pretty diligently on finding a balance between being more assertive and being kind. In this situation, I chose to keep quiet, scoot closer in and make eye contact with the next person (what is it about eye contact??!!). When the person at the counter finished, I was able to approach the counter with no conflict.

Now, truly unfortunate was the customer service I received once reaching the counter. You would have thought I arrived at her home in the middle of dinner with her family on a holiday and demanded a cup of coffee for the amount of attitude that was being handed out. I don’t think I ordered that. I am pretty sure I just said, “May I please have a small cup of regular coffee, half caff?” True I did ask for the freshest one, but who wouldn’t?

This whole situation got me thinking about the rudeness of people. Where on earth does that come from? Did someone step on their cat this morning (just for the record, stepping on cats does not bother me in the least!)? I mean what makes a person ignore another person in line? Wouldn’t it have been easier, albeit not as fast for them, to have said, “Miss (notice I didn’t say Ma’am) are you in line? The line usually goes this way.” But instead they clearly had something so important to get to, that they just had to pretend I wasn’t there. Apparently they were getting coffee for someone on their death bed who had made coffee their last request!

And the barista...I mean what?? I’ve been a barista. I know you’re tired, I know it’s possible you woke up earlier than God this morning, but c’mon!! You’re basically getting paid to fake politeness, so earn your wage. If the “man’s keeping you down” than do something about it, but give me my frickin’ coffee with a smile! After all, that is what I paid for, well that and coffee.

Love and Loss

2011-11-03T12:19:00.000-07:00

I am pretty lucky as I haven’t lost many loved ones to death. There have been some. On an October evening during my freshman year of college, I was working on homework in my dorm room when my dad called. Uncle Ed had been hit by a young driver while working for the Department of Transportation. The, then barely 16 years old, driver didn’t heed the warnings to slow down in the construction area and hit him head on. He died, leaving behind a wife and four small children. It was my first real loss. I wrestled for weeks, months and even years thinking about the family left behind; my cousins who for at least two of them would have no memory of their father. I wondered how that would affect the rest of their lives.

I don’t recall going to another funeral for many years. In fact I was an adult when my great grandfather passed away. He had gotten up in years and his death was much less surprising than Uncle Ed’s. I went to the funeral where I was able to connect with cousins and aunts and uncles and while we mourned the loss of our grandfather, we also enjoyed seeing each other. The next several years were filled with other deaths. My grandfather, Dick, elderly aunts and uncles. Over time I learned how to behave when death happened.

Dealing with death is not easy. The finality of it can be overwhelming. When death occurs there can be such a longing for healing that just doesn’t come. There’s a loss of control knowing you cannot do anything to fix it; to bring them back into your own life. And yet, so often we are embarrassed to feel it. We don’t want to burden friends and family for too long. We decide how long is the right amount of time to talk about it, then assume after that every one is tired of hearing about it. Few of us take the time to wallow, to be sad, to lay in our beds with the curtains drawn and the lights out. We get up, strap on our boots and get on with it. Over time, people stop asking how we are doing because they don’t want to bring it up and “make us sad,” implying that sadness is the worst thing someone could feel.

But what about when a relationship is severed due to something other than death? A couple years ago I had a dear friend. We spent a lot of time together. We shared stories, secrets, laughs. I loved spending time with him. It was not romantic, just a sweet friendship. Then he got married and everything changed. Suddenly, it was awkward. There was no falling out; no hurt feelings; no arguments. His new bride was a lovely woman. The friendship came to a sudden halt. I understood, but hated it. I went through a range of emotions. I found myself looking for clues that would make everything alright. I cried, got mad, hurt and repressed. But the truth was, I was sad. I missed him. I had had loss. I talked about it with a couple girlfriends, but after awhile I began to feel I was being dramatic; that it wasn’t that big of a deal, that they were getting tired of hearing about it. But I continued to feel sad. I was mourning. I was working through a loss. No one had died, but I still felt a loss of control. I couldn’t get back where I wanted to be. I couldn’t change things.

One Sunday afternoon I felt especially blue and allowed myself to just lay in my bed for a few hours. I slept some, but mostly just wallowed. It took only a few hours before I began to feel guilty for not being productive. I had things to do; I couldn’t just lay there feeling sorry for myself. Things happen. People are starving, this wasn’t the worst thing that could’ve happened. The funny thing was even though I tried to rally, I still felt sad. I still had some mourning left to do. It just takes time and that is all there is to it! I just needed to allow myself the time and the indulgence to deal with it. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away, we can’t “logic” our way out of it.

I wonder what would happen if we really mourned our losses. Not just mourned death, but the loss of other relationships? The girl who just got dumped and is a wreck. The guy who just found out his co-worker who he trusted has been lying to him and now the relationship is ruined. The spouse who learns they have been cheated on. What if they were really allowed to mourn? What if it took months, years? How long is too long? At what point do their peers judge them? Maybe we’d all be healthier; be better at relationships. Perhaps we’d even take more chances. What do you think?

What I want when I want it!

2011-10-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

Last week in therapy (yes, I’m in therapy--like all disfunctional writers should be) we were talking about trusting God, I mean really trusting Him. She challenged me to be specific with God about what I want; to trust Him to bless me with the “desires of my heart.” She said, “He knows them anyway, you might as well talk about them!”

Having heard Psalm 37:4-5 many, many times and not understanding them since I feel, if I am honest, that so many desires of my heart have gone unanswered, I felt a little numb to the idea. But in working on trust, I decided to try trusting her (my therapist) and give it a whirl.

The next day, while staring at miles of tail lights, I took a moment to pray. I asked God for exactly what I wanted that day. I reached down within myself to find what was most vulnerable, thinking the whole time if I can’t trust Him, who am I gonna trust--ever? I put up no stops. I said, “This is what I want, and this is when I want it.” I worked to stir up everything in me to trust that He wanted to give it to me, the way a dad wants desperately to please his daughter by giving her what she wants because it brings him joy to see her happy. I felt my eyes brim. Then I let go.

Throughout the day I looked for ways God might be answering my prayer, even in the smallest ways. I waited. But I did not see even a speckle of hope that He had in fact heard me. I thought to myself, “The day is not over yet. The day goes until midnight; don’t give up yet.”

I woke up to a sad heart. I wanted to call my therapist and give her a small piece of my mind; email the Psalmist and sing him a thing or two! But mostly I wanted to say, “Why God, why?” The funny thing was, that I didn’t really want to listen to His answer. Because I knew in my heart that it would make sense. I wasn’t interested in what made sense, I only wanted Him to give me what I asked from Him. I wallowed in self pity for awhile (it’s warm and comfortable there). But it didn’t help.

Finally I gave up the fight and listened. He was able to remind me of a couple of His other promises. He does not force us to obey Him. The Bible is full of examples of God’s call to us to obey Him and clear examples of our freedom not to. He won’t force other people to do things just to make me happy. Furthermore, God’s timing is fair. He has a plan for everything and everyone. But I have to wait--yuck! I hate waiting; which often becomes evident in my driving. My view of the world is so small. Again like the father who wants to give his daughter what she asks for but can’t fit a pony in the house. The daughter can’t understand this and has to wait and see how her father wants and is able to meet her desires.

So I will continue to ask for what I want, fight with Him when it seems He doesn’t answer and eventually trust Him. He knows the desires of my heart; both good and bad. He wants to bring me joy.

Game Day

2011-10-08T17:27:00.000-07:00

It’s a perfect Fall day. There’s rain hitting the glass and I have taken cover in a neighborhood bar. Sitting here surrounded by jerseys, chicken strips and imports, televisions in the background beckon the college team of whom the room is cheering. The sound brings me peace. I have no need for really being involved in the game for it take me back to the basement of our house on Cedrona St. Dad sitting in his chair, inexpensive St Louis beer in hand with appropriate logo on the pint glass, bowl of popcorn or other unhealthy snack available at arms length; fire in the wood stove. Periodically there’d be some outburst of joy or irritation. If I passed thru the room at the wrong time, I got an, “You know you make a better door than window.” I could be anywhere in the house and would know how the game was going--it didn’t matter if dad had a friend over or not. The decibel of the television and his voice competed with each other. Sunday meant one thing and one thing only--and it wasn’t church. We’d worship at the pig skin throne. Our apostle? Steve Largent and Mike Holmgren. We’d be there rain or shine, family obligation or party, school committment or performance. Dad couldn’t tell you how old I was but could recite the schedule of his favorite Seattle team.

If the game spanned into the evening hours, dinner was set up in front of the television. For 30 minutes the whole family became fans. I’d ask dad, “What’s the score?” After the play without looking away from the television he’d respond, “13 to 7.” It always required a second question to find out who was winning. Not because he didn’t want to tell me, but because his attention was now split between the television and his chili.

Now as an adult, there is something about the “sounds” of sports. I can just as easily listen to a football game on the radio and it will wrap me up like a wool blanket. Sometimes in the car I will turn on sports radio and without caring who’s playing but to just let the noise surround me. Life changes but game day remains the same and this brings me comfort. The only thing that has changed are some of the players and coaches. But for the spectator, it is the same game, same goal, same ritual.

Really?

2011-10-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how married folks sometimes speak a little differently to their “single friends?” I am one of those “single friends” and let me tell ya there have been some real doozies! They often speak with a cocked head and consoling voice. To be fair, there are a few people who try really hard to be sensitive to the “condition” of the single person. These are usually people who married a little later in life, so they understand what it feels like to be a grown up single. But even then once the ring is on the finger, the filter clogs and they forget what they ever knew about how it feels to be single.

Once these, we’ll call them previously singles, get married it is as if they have always been so; like they were born that way. Now again some try and they try hard, but they struggle. The statements still come out. These are some of my favorite statements:

“Don’t worry he’s out there somewhere.” Great. Anyone know where? Is he lost? Should we be worried? Is knowing that he’s out there somewhere supposed to help the fact that I still don’t know where?

“It takes just one.” Great! I have been looking for a set of five.

“Maybe you are being too picky.” Really. That’s what you think is the problem. Do you think instead I should just settle for whoever will take me? Is that what you did? No? But I should? Thanks for the boost of confidence!!

“Well, you’re both single so I thought you might hit it off.” Sure. Because all of us single folks like all the same things. And we’d all fit together just fine if we could just bump into each other or better yet have you point it out.

“Man I wish I was in your shoes!” Do you? Do you really? Because you’re always trying to find me a husband.

“Was there anything you liked about him? Yes, he picked up the check.

“Don’t worry, my 60 year old aunt never got married and she’s amazing.” This one I can’t even touch.

“I just can’t understand how you don’t have men beating down your door to marry you.” Talk to my therapist, she’ll clear it up for you!

Nightmare on Nude Street

2011-09-30T00:56:00.000-07:00

Regardless of what my defiant to change body may tell you, I have been working out somewhat regularly for quite some time now. This has been going on since before Gold’s Gym was bought out by L.A. Fitness; back when I would have thought Body Pump was something that happened only when one had too much to drink. However, even with all these trips to the gym and a nearly equal amount of times to the locker room, I can’t help but be shaken to my very core by some of the things I’ve seen in there. Visions that will be with me forever. Visions I like to call “Nightmare on Nude Street.” Let me share some with you. For starters, how about walking into the locker room just after water aerobics and seeing several, women standing around visiting sans not only their bathing suit, but also their birthday suit! Not a care in the world. Many having parts of the body in different areas then where they began. Always at least one standing confidently in front of the mirror just enough so that no one will notice her eyeing her figure as the group discusses some topic ranging from temperature to tee time. Or perhaps, just last week when stepping out of a stall I noticed some movement to my left and foolishly turned my head to see a woman walking out of a nearby stall; again completely nude, save the water shoes she was wearing and the walker in hand. She looked up at me as if to say, “Excuse me, and why are you in here with clothes on?” Finally, let’s talk for a moment about the woman who sits on the bench (by the way, gross, people tie their shoes there) with nothing between what God gave her and the poor old place where who knows how many other bare bottoms have been there since it was last cleaned, and reads. It makes me want to say, “Can I get you a blanket, or a towel or a dissenfectant?” I know what you are thinking--prude. And I understand that locker rooms have naked people in them, but c’mon! Aren’t you cold? Were you not hugged as a child? Have you considered that others may still prefer a little mystery? Locker rooms should have revolving doors with signs that say, “Get in, get dressed and get out.”

Roller Skates and Ristretto shots

2011-09-28T17:01:00.001-07:00

While sitting at a Starbucks this morning in Southeast Portland, I looked over and saw that the man to my left was wearing roller skates, not roller blades, not a skate board, but regular old fashion four wheels and ties up the front, roller skates. Upon noticing this I pushed my lower lip against my top one causing it stick out a bit as I questioned (in my head of course) any possible reason why this would surprise me. It’s Southeast Portland. He turned to look at me with an attitude of “what are you looking at?” I wanted to say, “Really? You come in here with roller skates on and pretend that people aren’t going to look at you and that you don’t want them to? Are you telling me that you are roller skating around town because it’s the best mode of transportation for you? Or that its for exercise, cause you’re not exactly in work out gear. And while we’re at it,” this is where I would really catch my stride, “for the record you’re in Starbucks. This crowd in here is not impressed with your irony. For that you’ll definitely have to go to one of the independent coffee shops where they refuse to smile at you when you place your order and instead roll their eyes because you ordered decaf.” I could see my hand forming in the proverbial “Z” shaped snap as I gave him the what-for. Fortunately he turned back around before I could slip into my completely snarky attitude. I went back to what I was working on thinking, “hmmm...lucky for him.”

Day One-again

2011-09-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well now I've gone and done it! Today life finds me in a completely new phase of life. Can we have new phases of life when we're 35? I hope so! Over the course of the last year it has become increasingly clear to me that I have been headed in the wrong direction. I keep moving towards a goal of moving up a professional ladder of managing people in big business. I am not entirely sure how I ended up here. I thought to myself that I was really good at it so I should keep going. The only down side was that it wasn't giving me life, instead it was slowly breaking me down. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I felt bitter, pessimistic, sour and down right annoying. And that was from my own perspective!! Who knows how you felt about me! The Lord let me keep moving forward and I believe someday I will understand why He has wanted me to learn so much about that kind of work. But finally we both have said, "Enough is enough."

So now I am working 3 days a week at my current "professional" job and 2 days a week from home honing my writing skills and figuring out what's next. In mid December I will leave the safety, security and stability of my current job and focus on being who I am--a writer. It's very scary. The Lord is certainly asking me to step out on what feels like a shaky branch. I suppose that'd be an olive branch. I am going to get back into this blog and will put up writings, articles, musings, and general thoughts about this journey I am on. I don't know what the next 90 days let alone 90 months look like and it may change drastically in no time flat. The only promise I will make here in print is that I am going to keep trying and keeping searching after what He wants. I know if I do that I can't go wrong!

Where I am today....

2011-02-28T22:26:00.001-08:00

I really want to share a little bit of my heart. Please bear with me.

Where I am today is not where I expected I would be. Even a few years ago I thought by now I would have at least gone for it with the writing world. People had such faith in me and my talent. Now I don't even journal. While I don't regret my work change, it was definitely easier previously to write. I used to have long afternoons to sit in front of the computer and work on my writing. These days I get home in the evening and just don't want to put the time aside for it. I am squandering my gift. Fortunately though, it's not the only gift I have! Tonight while at Bible Study we talked briefly about time. Sometimes time seems to drag by and I can't get where I want to go fast enough. I love being reminded that the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years. I am thirty-five. That means if I were born at the beginning of the wandering, we'd still have 5 years left! Yet, I sit here looking at my life and wonder where the time has gone. Lord willing, I have so many years ahead of me. Perhaps now isn't my time to be published. Who knows how the Lord is going to use this time for the future. I choose to not find failure in the delay, but instead patience in the process and hope in the future.

John 3 Accountability and Teaching

2011-02-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

It’s hard to believe sometimes that we are accountable to not only our faith, but to our knowledge about our faith. Sitting in a seminary class a couple of years ago, a professor made it clear to us students that as seminarians we were now the keepers of the doctrine, the ones who “know--someone who understands and can speak intelligently about doctrine and Scripture.” James 3 makes it clear that the more we know, the more responsibility we have. As this information sunk in, I became increasingly nervous about the validity of his statement. I was now responsible for what I knew. I wasn't sure I was ready to always have to know the answers, to be able to engage in deep conversation about what passages meant. I was training to be a leader and as a leader what I say and teach matters. This is not something to be taken lightly.

Take a minute and read John 3:1-12. Nicodemus was a Jewish leader, a Pharisee, who didn’t understand the severity and importance of his role. As a Pharisee it is safe to assume he had gone through rigorous Torah training and mentoring. He had been taught about the Scriptures and the Messiah, yet here we see Jesus pointing out that while Nicodemus was leading and teaching, he did not have a clear understanding about what he was teaching. We can only assume the reason for this. Perhaps Nicodemus had “head knowledge” but it hadn't translated to an understanding in his heart. In verse 10 Jesus says, “Are you the teacher of Israel, and do not understand these things?” Try thinking about it this way: We can be in a relationship with a person and know nearly everything about that person, but at the same time, not necessarily care an awful lot about them. This is head knowledge verses heart knowledge. When it comes to the Word of God, head knowledge is nothing without the heart.

What does this mean for the person who is not in direct leadership? What does it mean in regards to their accountability to remember or understand what they learn? Or does it mean as Christians we should maybe shy away from learning so we will not have to be responsible for it? I don’t think so. Now take a minute to look at Hebrews 5:12-14. The Lord does not want us to stay young in our faith. Accountability will grow but with the additional knowledge, so will our hearts.

While the responsibility of growing and learning more about God may be great, it is still what we are to do. As we learn more, it draws us closer to Him. It is a holy calling, but one filled with liability; it is not so different from our earthly relationships. The more we learn about someone, the more we are expected to know about them. This doesn’t mean the Lord expects each of us to go through the rigorous training Jewish men did in their day, but naturally as we attend church, read our Bibles, and engage in fellowship, knowledge will grow; when that happens, you have responsibility for what you have learned. As you live your life, the Lord expects you to live in a way that reflects this new knowledge. As you talk to others about Him, the Lord expects you to speak truthfully about what you know.

Are you currently accepting this accountability the Lord is requiring of you? If not, what should you be doing differently? Are you taking every opportunity to learn and turn around and teach even in small ways? Is your learning changing who you are? If your answers are yes, you are seeing the joy of following and serving a mighty God whose ways are beyond our understanding.

Lord, show us your ways. Teach us, open our eyes to understand your teachings, help us to see the opportunities we have to teach others what we have learned. Give us the strength to be accountable to what we have learned and to live lives that reflect it.

John 2-Drawing the Line

2011-01-17T20:48:00.000-08:00

Jesus always has and always does know where to draw the line. I don’t. I walk into church each Sunday and often don’t question what is happening around me. I pour myself a cup of coffee from the provided push pots, visit with fellow attendees, find my seat and join in the first worship song as it begins. What I don’t usually notice is what is, or is not, happening that Jesus would disapprove of.

Read John 2:12-19. In this passage Jesus has absolutely no tolerance for the “business” taking place in the synagogue. Israelites were traveling from all over to Jerusalem to offer sacrifices, particularly at Passover. Corrupt priests would tell pilgrims their sacrifice was unclean and sell a healthy, unblemished animal at an exorbitant price. Furthermore, these pilgrims would have to exchange their foreign currency to buy the animals. The moneychangers would charge outrageous exchange rates, therefore gauging them even more. The biggest problem here: abusing the worshippers for selfish gain. The people had needs and were being taken advantage of in the synagogue!

I have to ask myself if anyone was questioning these practices before Jesus came in. Was there anyone who noticed or knew better and was trying to get it to stop? Did anyone outside the priests have a voice that would make a difference? Did anyone even try?

Culture has changed so much since the days when Jesus was physically on Earth. In 30 odd years I have never seen anyone selling a dove or any other foul in the sanctuary or for that matter in the building. But I have to ask myself what is the modern day equivalent? Are there abuses happening around us at church? Do we dare try to recognize what they are?

It would be easy here to start pointing fingers at all kinds of practices happening in our churches, most of which are probably biblical. Jesus was not mad that the priests were making animals available, He was mad because they were doing it for their own selfish gain. I dare not give an example here what this could look like for your church. But I challenge you to start thinking about it.

Is there anything in your church, church community or personal life that you know is beyond the line Jesus has drawn? Are we ever making excuses for selling things in the church in the name of ministry, or comfort? Are there business deals taking place that abuse relationships within the church body? What about when we only do business with other Christians? Are we shutting out outside business and witnessing opportunities?

Take a moment this week to really look at your church service and community to examine whether anything seems to not fit with what Jesus has in mind for us. Is there something you can do about it? Are you willing? Do you know what the line looks like? What would it take for you to find out?

Lord, give us eyes to see and hearts to understand your design for the Church. May we recognize activities that are out of order and have the courage to voice it with compassion and grace.

John 1--In the Beginning

2011-01-10T20:41:00.001-08:00

Sometimes it is difficult for me to think about the beginning of time-of the world. For me the beginning is December 16, 1975, the day I was born. I can’t imagine much else existing before that date. Yet I know for certain something did--many things. One event in particular is of importance here. In fact it occurred roughly one thousand, nine hundred, and seventy-five years before my birth. We can read about it in the Gospel of John.

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.” (John 1:1-2, NASB)

At first glance at this passage you might say, “Wait, this is talking about the beginning. The beginning was a lot longer than 1,975 years before the writer’s birth.” However, if we read a little further we begin to understand why the beginning John is referring to has everything to do with that amount of time.

“All things came into being by Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it. There came a man, sent from God, whose name was John. He came for a witness, that he might bear witness of the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came that he might bear witness of the light. There was the true light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man. He was in the world, and the world did not know Him.” (John 1:3-10). Do you see it? It is the birth of Christ! That is the beginning being referred to here. Although to be clear, this was not the beginning of Christ, it was the beginning of His time on Earth.

You see, the author, the apostle John, does an amazing job of illustrating God’s perfect will. John makes it clear that God didn’t just randomly create Jesus, then send Him to earth. Jesus was always one with the Father. He was in the beginning. When and where there was God, there was also Jesus. He was here long before 1975, in 1975, and He will be here for eternity.

This is a hard concept to grasp. It is easy to read the Bible in such a way that its facts seem like a fictional story or something that happened a very long time ago. With our finite minds it is difficult to understand how or where Jesus was before He came to Earth. Unfortunately this can lead us to let Jesus fall by the wayside. He can become “out of sight, out of mind.” Because He is not visible, because we don’t see Him everyday it can be easy to forget He’s there. However, Jesus was no less present before His time on Earth than He was during it. At the same time His presence did not end when He died. Jesus is always with us. He was there at the beginning and He will be there at the end.

Take some time now to consider what Jesus’ eternal presence means in your life. Do you have a hard time understanding that He has always been there and always will be? What are some ways you can remember His presence everyday--that He is still with us even though He is no longer physically on earth? How do you get caught up in yourself, finding it hard to believe anything happened before you were born?

Lord, help us to understand Your presence in our lives. Help us to recognize you are everywhere at once even before Your presence on Earth and now long after. May we live our lives as ones who understand this and live accordingly.

Resolutions

2011-01-03T18:35:00.000-08:00

I have never been one to make resolutions. They seem to just make a person feel like a failure and with so much sin in my life I certainly don't need to look for opportunities to feel badly about myself (nor do most people).

However, this year it just seemed like something I really wanted to do. I thought through some of the usual ones--weight loss, save money, eat healthy... But that wasn't what I was looking for. I wanted to find something that really improved who I am on the inside. I jokingly told my god children that this was the year I was going to find them a godfather (to which their dad started quoting the movie Scarface). Ironically the two solid ones I chose I am not going to post here for the free world to view and judge me on. However, I will vow here that when I fail I will simply start over. I will not beat myself down and give up. I will dust myself off and say tomorrow is another day.

The one resolution I do want to make here for God and everyone to bear witness to is that this will be the year--come hell or high water (a tribute to Ice Man--that I send my query letters off. If next December rolls around and you know for a fact I have not done this, you have my permission to smack me in the face! I am tired of living in fear.

And with that...here's wishing you success on your goals for 2011!

2010-12-27T22:22:00.000-08:00

May the Lord bless you in 2011.

John 4

2010-12-13T18:37:00.001-08:00

Loving the unloveable

There are some people in my life who hurt me Whenever I get hurt, a shell forms around me that protects me. Over the years, my shell has gotten a little harder with every broken relationship, every family argument, every stab in the back. There are some who continually make poor choices, those who continually do or say hurtful things. These people easily frustrate me. I have a tendency to tolerate people for a limited time, then I snap and decide I am done, I am not going to take it anymore. Relationship over; shell thicker. I am not naive enough to think I am the only one with these experiences. I also recognize that God often puts challenging relationships in our lives to teach us a thing or two.

Read John 4:5-29. The Samaritan woman in this passage had lived a life full of poor choices (going from man to man and now living with a man she wasn't married to). She was a Samaritan, which means a Jewish man like Jesus, culturally speaking, shouldn't have been talking to her in the first place. Add her poor choices on top of it, and it was a real mess for Jesus to be talking to her at the well.

Jesus showed love to everyone. He did not suffer from the impatience syndrome the way we do. If someone did something hurtful to Him or just continued to make poor decisions, He loved them anyway. While the story refers to only one meeting of Jesus and this woman, history would tell us He would have spoken to her every time! Jesus knew everything she had ever done—good and bad, and He approached her anyway. He became acknowledged her even though no one else wanted to. Jesus knew everything about her and loved her anyway. I tend to give up on people after only knowing just a little about them.

We see towards the end of this passage that because Jesus spent time with and loved her, she started doing more good things than bad. For example she started talking to people about Jesus.

It is hard to love and be nice to someone when you know all the bad things they have done. But if we want to be like Jesus, it is something we must try to do. When I can’t do it on my own I ask God to help me, and He does. What if we treated everyone kindly no matter their behavior; no matter how they treated us?

Can you think of a person or people in your life who test your every last nerve? Do you find it difficult sometimes to care for people or treat them kindly even though they have hurt you maybe over and over again? What would it look like if we always responded to people in this way?

Lord, please help me to love the unloveable people in my life. Teach me to have grace and patience with those who hurt me. Show me Your ways Lord; show me how you do it every day. Show me how to be more like you with others.

Over a year ago...

2010-12-06T22:19:00.000-08:00

“And He (Jesus) entered and was passing through Jericho. And behold, there was a man called by the name of Zaccheus; and he was a chief tax gatherer, and he was rich. And he was trying to see who Jesus was, and he was unable because of the crowd, for he was small in stature. And he ran on ahead and climbed up into a Sycamore tree in order to see Him, for He was about to pass through that way. And when Jesus came to the place, He looked up and said to him, ‘Zaccheus, hurry and come down, for today I must stay at your house. And he hurried and came down, and received Him gladly.” Luke 19:1-6.

How amazing it is that Zaccheus, a tax collector, and not a man of faith desired so passionately to see Jesus. He knew the value of Jesus passing by. He deliberately put himself in the way of Jesus. Because of that he had the privilege of Jesus staying with him. Furthermore, the text says that he ran ahead. He wanted to get there in time, to not miss the opportunity. Clearly Zaccheus did not know exactly who Jesus was, for it says that he “was trying to see who Jesus was.” Obviously, Jesus’ reputation had preceded Him, Zaccheus had heard of this man named Jesus and wanted to see Him for himself.

How often do we truly put ourselves in the way of Jesus, in the way of truth? Do you wait for Jesus to seek you out? Or do you seek Him out at every opportunity? Are you looking for Him to pass by the way Zaccheus was? Will you even recognize when He is passing by? Are you running ahead to make sure you do not miss Him? We too must constantly put ourselves in the way of Jesus, so that He may call upon us as well.

Strange days...

2009-08-17T20:31:00.000-07:00

What an interesting time this has been. It has been several weeks of professional uncertainty. However among all of it one thing has remained true: I will not give up on this dream. I had two encouraging encounters in the last couple of weeks. The first was a "date with destiny." Well, that may be a little strong but it was at least a blessing. I attended a bachelorette party where I met a woman who is a writer. Our conversation was so encouraging. She shared some of her journey and what she is looking for in the future. I shared a bit of mine. I left the party excited and hopeful for what could happen.

The next day I spoke with an old friend about speaking. It was fantastic! He was so encouraging and gave me wonderful advice. I left that conversation ready to take on the world. I am not sure yet when this will all come together, but am certain the Lord is preparing me for it. I have been humbled and know He is in no hurry and it may still be years before any of this happens. Are you still willing to journey with me? I hope so. Our timing is not His, thankfully.

Long time...no post

2009-07-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

How sad it is that it has been forever since I have posted an update on here. To be truthful the other parts of my life have taken over and have kept me too busy to work on getting this book published! I have been embarrassed to not have anything to update and therefore have neglected this lovely blog. Thanks for not giving up on me. I was able to find some time this last week to work on my letters and hope to find more time in the days to come. I have NOT given up and am still trying to move forward. I hope to have very exciting news posted on here shortly!

Happy Memorial Day

2009-05-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

Hope you've found time to thank God today for all the freedoms you have!

No news is not always good news...

2009-05-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a great update for you about how I have submitted my work and am just waiting for responses. Unfortunately, that is not the case. My rent paying job has kept me cracking the last week and has left NO time for writing. Hopefully the end is in sight. Keep checking up!

Another sample to keep you interested...

2009-05-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

This is a double edited, double revised version from John 3. Enjoy.

John 3

Accountability and teaching

Almost done...

2009-05-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

I spent some time this week finishing up my revisions (after I received the edited version back) and finalizing a first draft of my queries. They have been sent off for editing themselves and hopefully I will hear back soon and begin those improvements. Scary...

Query continued

2009-04-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

I have secured a Query proofreader! Danielle (an incredibly qualified writer) has agreed to read my queries and submission guidelines to help me to know if I am on the right track. It is going to be a bit of work for her. I imagine when she's finished it will be a bit more work for me. However, no amount of work for this project is too much. Each agent is a one shot deal. I am not going to take any chances. Please keep praying...

Update

2009-04-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

This week I found some focused time to work on my Query Letters. They are still not done, but getting closer. As I approach the climax of what I have been working towards (sending out my work to agents), the reality has really set in. THIS IS IT! Please pray that I remain faithful, trust God and have patience.

Holy Week

2009-04-06T17:58:00.000-07:00

Here is the entry I wrote for Pearl Church's Holy Week. Enjoy!

The Cross

I was walking along Belmont the other day with a friend and her two sons. The boys, apparently learning about shapes, pointed out various shapes they saw as we walked. When looking at a corner of sidewalk, the elder of the two said, “A cross.” Excitedly we both praised him for his knowledge and affirmed it was indeed a cross and continued on our way. As a shape, a cross is insignificant. A cross is like a square, a circle or a triangle. However, as a symbol of salvation it means everything.

When it became two pieces of wood upon Jesus’ back as He carried them to His sacrifice, they became much more than a shape. When they nailed Him to these two pieces of wood, that shape became everything.

Take a minute and imagine the scene. Jesus ascends the hill exhausted from carrying the heavy wooden cross, only instead of finding relief from His labor, He has reached the location of His death. Can you picture it? Can you really see it? We hear the story perhaps many times. The cross was set down. Jesus waiting as it is prepared. He is nailed to it. A painful event in and of itself which we desire to quickly gloss over. The cross is erected and pain shoots deeper into Jesus’ skin as it is stretch from the pressure of now being what hangs Him on the cross.

The cross is a shape that changed our world forever. I am not often aware of the shape in my everyday life. I forget the difference it made; I forget the pain it caused for my Savior and the rest it bought for me.

Lord, keep fresh in our minds what happened on Calgary when two pieces of wood formed in the shape of a cross became a catalyst for our sin to forever be forgiven.

Getting ready for Lent

2009-03-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

This week during my writing time (which took place during "free bagel Friday" at Noah's Bagels) I took a break from John and worked on an entry into Pearl Church's Holy Week Devotional. This is a small pamphlet the church hands out for Holy Week (the week between Palm Sunday and Easter that remembers Jesus' last days on earth). This pamphlet may be used by congregants to better understand and reflect on this significant time of the church calendar. Keep an eye out during Holy Week when I will post my contribution.

The same pace as the Hare...

2009-03-16T21:39:00.000-07:00

These are slow times. I am still working on Query Letters. It is not something I want to rush because it's the only view agents have of me. If I don't do exactly what they ask, they will throw the whole thing out!! Tomorrow I have the day off from my "day job," which means I will be working diligently on this project. Pray I will get a lot done and stay focused.

Moving Forward

2009-03-02T20:16:00.000-08:00

This weekend was great. I put some final touches on my first Query Letter. With each agent, a writer has to personalize the query based on what that particular agent is interested in knowing about the project. I also sent off the first five chapters to Julie for another round of editing. My hope is by April something will be sent out. These are exciting, albeit scary times.

Keep on keeping on...

2009-02-23T17:06:00.000-08:00

Thanks for checking back! I am still working on my proposal. It is hard work. Keep praying that I will be diligent and determined to keep working on it.

You asked for it!

2009-02-16T22:54:00.000-08:00

Here's another sample of the revisions....

John 5

What does God require of us?

I have to ask myself. Does God heal for my good or for His? If it’s for mine, which I believe is the case, why does He ask if I want it? Take a minute and read John 5:1-9. In this passage John tells the story of man healed of his physical ailments, but ultimately it points to salvific healing. Jesus heals the man in order to bring him into relationship with His creator.

I must confess that there is sin in my life. I don’t necessarily like to talk about it, but it is true nonetheless. Sin is a sickness. It is something that requires healing. Because I have read it in Scripture I know that because sin in my life causes death. This is true not only for me, but for everyone. I argue that Jesus healed the man in John 5 because He wanted him ultimately free from sin and knew by healing his physical ailments, the man would trust Him to heal his sin. The question remains: Why does Jesus ask, why doesn’t He just do it?

In the above passage Jesus approaches the man who had been sick for 38 years and asks in verse 6, “Do you wish to get well?” At first it may seem like a silly question. Of course he would want to get well. Why would anyone want to stay in sickness? Or better question, why would anyone want to stay in sin?

Ironically, this question begs another question. Why do people stay in their sickness when Jesus offers us a hand up? All people are sick. We are sick with sin. But healing is available. Unfortunately, instead of getting healed for good, we take ‘medicines” to temporarily feel better. We make excuses, ignore it, look to relationships, turn to artificial substance, or dive head first into our jobs. These medicines merely numb the real problem, therefore causing us to put up with the sickness.

The man in the passage tells Jesus he has no way of getting to the water, to the help he thinks he needs. He does not even consider that Jesus is there to help him. The man does want to be healed. Do you? As soon as he admitted he needed help, Jesus commanded him to get up and go. The man then had to follow Jesus’ instructions in faith and allow the healing to take place. And it did.

Once a person accepts Christ’s help, the sickness is healed. However, the “germs” (or inclination to sin) and symptoms (the natural consequences of sin) remain, requiring us to continually ask for His help. In what areas of your life is Jesus offering healing? Is there any area Jesus is currently asking you to pick up your mat and walk?

Lord, I cannot do this alone. When left to my own devices I continue to sin and live my life full of spiritual sickness. Please help me. Guide me in the direction of Yourself and heal me from the causes of sin. Amen

Trying again

2009-02-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

Here is the revised version I tried to post last week. Enjoy.

Drawing the Line

Jesus always has and always does know where to draw the line. I don’t. I walk into church each Sunday and often don’t question what is happening around me. I pour myself a cup of coffee from the provided push pots, visit with fellow attendees, find my seat and join in the first song as it begins. What I don’t usually notice is what is or is not happening that Jesus would disapprove of.

I have to ask myself was there anyone questioning these practices before Jesus came in. Was there anyone who noticed or knew better and was trying to get it to stop? Did anyone outside the priests have a voice that would make a difference? Did anyone even try?

Culture has changed so much since the days when Jesus was physically on earth. In 30 odd years I have never seen anyone selling a dove or any other foul in the sanctuary or for that matter in the building. But I have to ask myself what is the modern day equivalent? Are there abuses happening all around us at church? Do we dare try to recognize what they are?

It would be easy here to start pointing fingers at all kinds of practices happening in our churches. Most of which are probably biblical. Jesus was not mad that the priests were making animals available, He was mad because they were doing it for their own selfish gain. I dare not give an example here what this could look like for your church. But I challenge you to start thinking about it.

Is there anything in your church, church community or personal life that you know is beyond the line Jesus has drawn? Are we ever making excuses for selling things in the church in the name of ministry, or comfort? Are there business deals taking place that abuse relationships within the church body? What about when we only do business with Christians? Are we shutting out outside business and witnessing opportunities?

Lord, give us eyes to see and hearts to understand your design for the Church. May we recognize activities that are out of order and have the courage to voice it with compassion and grace.

Revisions

2009-02-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

In the last couple of weeks I have been hard at work on revisions of the first draft of the first five chapters of John. As I continue, it becomes increasingly clear how close I am getting to the "moment of truth." The moment when I send out the Query letters and hope for returns. Please pray the Lord's will be done. I wanted to include a revised version of John 1 here, but have a new computer and was having difficulty. Guess I'll have to post it later this week. Check back.

Two years

2009-01-12T21:50:00.000-08:00

It's been nearly two years now since I have begun this dilligent journey of trying to become a "professional" writer. It is taking longer than I originally suspected. I suppose that has something to do with only the small pockets of time I have here and there to sit down at my computer and be creative and thoughtful. However, with two years behind me, I press on. Perhaps this will be the year. I can say for certain that after these two years I am further along than I have been yet and the dream is still in my grasp. Please keep praying that God's hand will guide me and stop me if and when it becomes necessary. With the little time I have each week to work on this devotion, I'd hate to waste a moment of it doing what is not God's will.

Happy New Year

2009-01-05T20:56:00.001-08:00

Hey. Thanks for checking back in. I have taken a long, glorious break over the last couple of weeks. This time has allowed me some much needed rest and the opportunity to do some of the "extras" the holidays can bring. But now it's back to work. I am excited about what this year will bring. I am getting back to work on revisions and will hopefully post some of those in the near future. You can plan on weekly updates starting again.

The holidays

2008-12-01T20:48:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. I am going to be taking off the next couple of weeks from updating this site every Monday. I am going to focus all my "extra" time on preparing for Christmas and celebrating the season of Advent. Please be sure to check back in January. Merry Christmas.

Revisions

2008-11-24T22:39:00.000-08:00

Thanks for checking back. I am currently slowly working through revisions. I have found that the second draft is about 900 million times harder than the first draft and is where all the real work really takes place. Hopefully soon I can post some of the revised segments.

Manners

2008-11-17T21:28:00.000-08:00

Several months ago some friends and I were discussing how people have changed. We jokingly talked about writing an article about manners. This is what the first draft looked like...read it with a grain of salt.

Please, excuse me, thank you…no this is not a lesson on old English grammar or rhetoric.

It has become increasingly obvious the manners of our late grandmothers have passed and we have adopted a new set. As I began to notice this development I took a closer look at society and what are apparently some of the new ways we can behave. I looked up what it means to have manners. Interestingly most of the websites about manners had to do with teaching children. What about adults? Are we exempt? Often adults are focusing on teaching children manners but are not themselves practicing these same standards. Below are some observations of adults and how manners have changed.

Apparently in 2008 it is perfectly alright to cut in line as long as you are just buying a newspaper. It is also kosher to ignore any person in the service industry therefore responding to their questions with whatever it is you want to say. For example, if one pulls up to the tank at a local gas station and the attendant approaches the car saying, “Hi, how are you?” It is now good manners to respond, “A full-tank of unleaded gas.” Aunt Norma would surely turn in her grave. Another change in manners is the use of motion instead of words to get your point across. An example of this may be to be in a coffee shop and instead of kindly verbally alerting the barista to the need for a new nonfat carafe, one may simply walk up to her and shake the empty carafe.

There are new allowable behaviors in all areas of our culture. While driving it is no longer necessary to give a thank you wave to the driver who just let you cut in front of them. Instead avoiding eye contact is the new best practice. Furthermore, eye contact is simply no longer needed. When speaking to any other person, it is appropriate to keep your head down, particularly if you are distracted by your cell phone or palm pilot—in fact everyone will understand your need for holding up the line in the busy grocery store because you are on an important call with your best friend about the party you attended the night before. However even after your phone call, feel free to keep your self distracted by any other item or person to avoid eye contact. Previously this would have been seen as rude or disrespectful, but in 2008 it makes the person talking to you feel better about themselves and therefore helps everyone.

A short update

2008-11-10T21:22:00.001-08:00

I wanted to give a quick update on how my goals are going. To be perfectly honest they have taken a little break. I have been out of town for a couple of weeks. Now that I am back and am super excited to get back on track. Check back.

Simple Truth

2008-11-03T22:36:00.000-08:00

The shortest verse in the Bible is "Jesus wept." The simplest lesson however is different. It is found in John 14. Over and over in this chapter Jesus tells His disciples this one simple truth: If they love Him, obey His commands. If they love Him, obey His commands. It seems like everyday someone tells me they are a Christian. I find myself wanting to say, "Seriously?" as I watch them not obey His commands. I think to myself about all the things Christ has done for me and realize all I have to do is obey His commands. That's it! Yet I realize there are days when that small task is apparently impossible. If we love Him, we obey His commands. If we love Him, we at least try...

It (will be) finished

2008-10-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow (Tuesday) hopefully marks the last day on the first draft. I am sending out the first five chapters to be edited and moving on to the agent part. Please pray that God's direction will be evident in all of this. If it is His will it will go into publication. If it's not His will, my prayer is that it will be very clear to me, I will have peace about it and be thankful for how He has developed me through the process. Thank you for your ongoing support.

Update

2008-10-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

So where am I in regards to my goals? Well I am officially three chapters away from finishing my first draft of the devotional on the book of John. I have someone committed to doing some editing for me and I will begin seriously looking for an agent. It is very exciting to feel like I am maybe actually on my way. Keep checking back for updates and start saving your money so you can buy a copy!

John 12

2008-10-06T16:53:00.001-07:00

John 12

Several years ago while working for a Christian ministry, it came to my attention that the CFO was stealing from the organization. He had control of the money and was “dipping” into it for his own ventures. Needless to say this had major repercussions on the stability of the ministry but even more so on the stability of the staff and our relationships.

Judas Iscariot has become a notorious name among church goers of every denomination. As we continue in the book of John we see Him fulfill his role in history as the one who betrayed Jesus. But here in Chapter 12 we only begin to see his character and how it is about so much more than one act of turning Jesus over.

The Pharisees didn’t ask just anyone to help them with Jesus. They knew who to ask. Judas was already living a questionable life and it must have been obvious at least to a few. In Chapter 12 verses 4-6 we see Judas was not a disciple who had done everything right but fell back at just the wrong time. Instead he was already on a slippery slope.

How often does it happen to us that we begin with some sin so small, so unnoticeable? Perhaps at the beginning we are fooling not only ourselves but everyone around us. As we get away with this, we begin to move onto the next little sin. Most of the time we don’t even notice the shift. Besides it gets easier. We aren’t going from level zero to level 7, we are gradually moving up. The jump isn’t so hard. Judas didn’t go from a completely devoted disciple to one who betrayed the one he followed. There were other sins in his life leading up to it.

To this day I don’t know the whole story about what happened with the CFO of our ministry. I don’t understand how it all happened or what kind of repentance has happened since. It is fortunate for him that unlike Judas he can move forward without being a household name. But the one thing I can be sure of is this: it wasn’t a one time mishap. It wasn’t a jump. It started with smaller indiscretions and got to the point that it didn’t seem so bad.

John 10

2008-09-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

It is high time I posted a new writing sample. Enjoy...

The book of John is filled with testimony of Jesus doing the will of His Father. Jesus quotes from the Old Testament, He performs miracles and heals. The book, along with the other Gospels, is equally filled with people trying to seize Him and put Him in jail for doing all the wrong things.

Take a minute and read John 10, paying particular attention to verses 19-42. The Jewish leaders of Jesus’ day did not like Jesus. One could argue they were “out to get Him” for no real reason. Let’s look at it from a completely different perspective.

Imagine you are the boss of several employees. Most of the employees emulate your direction and will do whatever you request, no questions ask. Many of them will even doing things that are not following the rules of the company but are something you have taught them to do. Enter a new employee. This employee has gone through your training. He is liked by most people. He does everything by the book. It drives you crazy because suddenly his good works make yours fade in comparison. You begin to look for things He isn’t doing well; for things against the rules. But true to fashion He is always doing things the “right way.”

The above story is of course a bit of an exaggeration. However, let’s take a minute and look at the similarities. The Jewish leaders were constantly looking for lies to catch Jesus in. They knew Jesus was beginning to lead the Jewish people and wanted to prove Him as a false teacher, with or without the facts. But over and over they find Jesus to be above reproach. He is always doing the right thing.

Verse 32 is a great example of this. It reads, “Jesus answered them, ‘I showed you many good works from the Father; for which of them are you stoning me?’” This verse makes we want to give Jesus a high five. Right after this He goes on to explain even further how what He has done is right, teaching them from the Old Testament. It’s like the good employee pulling out the handbook and showing you exactly where you are mistaken. Ouch!

Let’s ask ourselves this question: Am I above reproach? Am I living a life that can not be questioned? If the answer is no, why not?

The movie

2008-09-15T20:06:00.001-07:00

This last weekend someone asked me if I'd ever consider writing a movie. I laughed when I thought about the movie script I had started at one time. It was all about a reality dating show where the "bachelorette" falls for someone behind the scenes. Maybe someday if you're lucky you'll get to read it (or watch it :) )!

The Library

2008-09-08T22:22:00.001-07:00

Last week I spent two evenings at a local Bible college/seminary library doing research for a class I'll be teaching in about a month. I loved, loved, loved being there! I know it's a little nerdy, but I loved it. When you walk into an academic library there is just something very different than a public one. There is a smell; a feel. I walked around the library stacks using the Dewey Decimal system to locate a pile of books before sitting down at a table to begin going through them deciding what I wanted to use. I drank it all in. The best part of the night was the continued confirmation that this is what I was created for. I was doing research and getting more and more excited to teach about all that I was learning. I wanted to have someone there with me right then to tell it all to. I pray you are finding what it is that brings you joy; what you were created to do...

next...

2008-09-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

All the time friends and family ask me how the writing is coming along. It is so wonderful to have so many people listen and know where my heart is. I am fortunate to have them in my corner. Sometimes I get discouraged when the answer is, "Well, I have been too busy this week to find time to write." I find myself longing for the hours to sit in front of my computer with my Bible open and write. However, at the same time, I seem to find myself wasting hours of my day doing nothing or doing something that isn't worth anything. I must pray for discipline and determination. So often I believe the lie that if I love it, it comes easy. Writing is not just a talent, it's a choice. Thanks for being on the journey with me.

Upcoming Engagements

2008-08-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

I continue to be excited about the opportunities God brings into my life. This Fall I have two chances to teach. I can't wait. The first one will be at Pearl Church here in Portland. I will be teaching on the history and theology of the Roman Catholic Church in regards to Protestantism. Then in November I will be re-teaching a seminar on the book of Hosea. If you're in the area and want to check either out, let me know.

Do you believe?

2008-08-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

John, chapter 6

When first glancing at chapter 6, we recognize the familiar stories of the feeding of the five thousand and the time Jesus had with His disciples immediately following. But what about when we go a little further? Begin by taking a look at vs. 28 and 29.

Here we have the question we all ask. What does the Lord require of us? What does He want from us? Jesus answers His disciples question so simply, “Believe in His Son.” It’s so simple. But we often make it so hard? All God asks is that we believe. When Jesus finishes saying this, the disciples immediately have more questions (sound familiar?). It’s just too simple. There must be more. The disciples want signs, they want proof. Don’t we also?

The Bible says that as a result of this and the following statements many of Jesus’ followers leave Him.

I always have to stop and ask myself, “Would I have left Him?” If I had been in their shoes without the 20/20 hindsight I have now, would I have been able to move forward with Him on faith and faith alone? But then again, isn’t that what I am doing now? I may have history to lean on, but I certainly do not have Christ in the flesh. Why is it so hard to just believe?
The work of God has not changed, I must believe in Him who was sent. If I do this, the rest makes much more sense. I have to believe in Him, in order to follow Him

The journey

2008-08-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

This part of my life is such a journey. I work full-time and try to keep up on my writing. It is hard. I want to be further along than I am. I had a great meeting this week with a woman involved in public speaking. It was a great encouragement and she was full of insight. God constantly uses things like this to keep me going. I decided also that I need to set a goal for myself. So as God, and all of you, as my witness, I'd like to say I will be done with the first draft of my John Devotional by October 31st and will begin searching for an agent. Please pray with me, for continued vision and discernment throughout this process and that the Lord will bring an agent into my life who is the perfect fit. I pray also for more opportunities to speak and use this girft I have been given. Thanks.

Emailing postings

2008-08-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

Hello.

Using a blog is a new experience for me and I am learning new things all the time. For example just this week I learned how to automatically email my postings to those interested. Therefore, if you so desire to not have to check this blog every week and would rather receive it via email, simply send me a message to amygravseth@gmail.com and I will add you to the list (granted there are no technical difficulites). Otherwise keep checking back I post something new every Monday.

A sample

2008-07-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

Here is a sample from my devotions on the book of John. Enjoy...

John 5

What does God require of us?

I have to ask myself. Does God heal for my good or for His? If it’s for mine, which I believe is the case, why does He ask if I want it? Take a minute and read John 5:1-9.

I must confess that there is sin in my life. I don’t necessarily like to talk about it, but it is true nonetheless. Because I have read it in the Scriptures I know that because of sin in my life I deserve death. This is true not only for me, but for everyone. I also know Jesus can save me from said deserved death. So the question is why doesn’t He just do it?

In the above passage Jesus approaches the man who had been sick for 38 years and asks in verse 6, “Do you wish to get well?” At first it may seem like a silly question. Of course he would want to get well. Why would anyone want to stay in sickness?

Ironically, this question begs a question. Why do people stay in their sickness when Jesus offers us a hand up? All people are sick. We are sick with sin. But healing is available. Unfortunately, instead of getting healed for good, we take ‘medicines” to temporarily feel better. We make excuses, ignore it, look to relationships, turn to artificial substance, or do it on our own. We put up with the sickness.

The man in the passage tells Jesus he has no way of getting to the water; to the help he thinks he needs. He does not even assume Jesus is there to help him. The man does want to be healed. Do you? As soon as he admitted he needed help, Jesus commanded him to get up and go. The man then had to follow Jesus’ direction in faith and allow the healing to take place. And it did.

Once a person accepts Christ’s help, the sickness is healed. However, the “germs” and symptoms remain, requiring us to continually ask for His help. Is there any area Jesus is asking if you’d like to be healed? Is there any area Jesus is currently asking you to pick up your mat and walk? Take a minute now and consider whether there is someone (Jesus) who wants to help you into the moving waters.

This week

2008-07-22T22:17:00.001-07:00

I apologize for not posting something this week. Please check back next Monday.

A Great Week

2008-07-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

Well, last week was my first week long speaking engagement since I have officially started this journey of being a professional speaker and writer. While it wasn't my first time being a camp speaker, there was still something very new and evolutionary about it. It went so very well. The week started off a little slow. I had to find my voice and get into the groove over the first couple of days. But then God's movement became more noticeable. I started to realize it was never about me, but about Him and what He had in mind for the campers over the course of the week. And it got awesome. Wednesday night was definitely the highlight. I found myself noticing that it was God who was doing the talking, not me. The words coming out of my mouth were clearly not my own. Towards the end a couple of campers raised their hands to ask questions. They began to ask questions like, "Why did God create us?" "Why did God put the tree in the garden if He knew they would eat from it?" They kept asking these provocative questions. I answered them as best I could. From there we moved into a time of song and the kids were really getting into it. We could watch lives changing. It's these moments that change my life. It's these moments when I feel like I am doing what I was created to do. It's these moments when I can see God the clearest.

Another Monday

2008-07-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how fast a week goes by...here it is Monday again. I have a week long camp speaking engagement this week. It is super fun to be at camp and to get to tell children about Jesus. I am thrilled to get to use my gifts in this way! I will tell you next week how it goes...

Stepping Heavenward

2008-06-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

Today's post is not my own. I have a favorite book as most of you probably do. It is called Stepping Heavenward. I read this book every summer; not on purpose, it just seems to turn out that way. It was first written in 1869 by a woman named Elizabeth Prentiss. It is a wonderful story with a style that inspired my novel. I pray someday I will be able to write with as much elegance and conviction as Ms. Prentice exhibits in this book. The story is about a young girls struggle to love God with her whole heart while living in grace. Below is an excerpt...

"Mother asked me last evening to sing and play for her. I was embarrassed to know how to excuse myself without telling her my real reason for declining. But somehow she got it out of me.
'One need not be fanatical to be religious,' she said.
'Is it fanatical to give up all for God?' I asked.
'What is it to give up all?' She asked, in reply.
'Why, to deny one's self every gratification and indulgence in order to mortify one's natural inclinations, and to live entirely for Him.'
'God is then a hard Master, who allows His children no liberty,' she replied. 'Now let us see where this theory will lead you. In the first place you must shut your eyes to all the beautiful things He has made. You must shut your heart against all sweet human affections. You have a body, it is true, and it may revolt against such bondage-'
'We are told to keep under the body,' I interrupted. 'Oh, Mother, don't hinder me!' You know that my love for music is a passion and it is my snare and temptation. And how can I spend my whole time in reading the Bible and praying, if I go on with my drawing? It may do for other people to serve both God and mammon, but not for me. I must belong wholly to the world or wholly to Christ.'"

This book challenges me every time I read it. I strongly encourage you to pick up a copy.

What a week...

2008-06-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

...this has been. I finished up my time leading devotions with the summer staff on Tuesday by teaching about how important Sabbath Rest is. I mentioned that really they could go all summer without taking a "Sabbath" but how much better it will be if they do! The talk was good and even allowed for some push back from the staff helping us to have further conversation.

My time at the camp was humbling. I saw God move in my life as I tried to avoid some of the lessons He was clearly trying to teach me. It seems as though every year His focus is on humbling me; this year is apparently no different. You'd think I'd learn!

Furthermore, today I started a new position at my job. Oh great! more humbling. This is where the rubber really meets the road. It is time for me to put my money where my mouth is and prove I am ready for the role (or I could just keep using witty cliches).

Between these two recent experiences I am reminded how much I need God. I'd have to carry around so much fear and pain without Him. But because He is my whole life, I can walk confidently knowing He has it taken care of and will use it all to His glory! Thanks again for keeping up with me.

Speaking

2008-06-17T11:05:00.001-07:00

Today is a great day. I am leading devotions for a summer camp staff in Bellevue, Wa. It is great to mix two of my passions....camping and speaking. I will get to be here tomorrow as well and then back as a camp speaker in July. Today I spoke on the story of Zacheus about how he put himself in the Lords way because he did not want to miss Jesus. We all must put ourself in Jesus' way. I love the way the Lord orchestrates opportunities. I'll let you know how it all goes.

John 2

2008-06-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

Drawing the Line

Jesus always has and always does know where to draw the line. I don’t. I walk into church each Sunday and often don’t question what is happening around me. I pour myself a cup of brewed coffee from the provided push pots, visit with fellow attendees, find my seat and join in the first song as it begins. What I don’t usually notice is what is or is not happening that Jesus would disapprove of.

Read John 2:12-19. In this passage Jesus has absolutely no tolerance for “business” people in the synagogue. Israelites were traveling from all over to Jerusalem to offer sacrifices, particularly at Passover. Corrupt priests would tell pilgrims their sacrifice was unclean and sell a healthy, unblemished animal at an exorbitant price. Furthermore, these pilgrims would have to exchange their foreign currency to buy the animals. The moneychangers would charge outrageous exchange rates, therefore gauging even more.

I have to ask myself was there anyone in the congregation who was questioning these practices before Jesus came in. Was there anyone who noticed or knew better and was trying to get it to stop? Did anyone outside the priests have a voice that would make a difference?

Culture has changed so much since the days when Jesus was physically on earth. In 30 some years I have never seen anyone selling a dove or any other foul in the sanctuary or for that matter in the building. But I have to ask myself what is the equivalent?

Is there anything in your church or church community that you know is beyond the line Jesus has drawn? Are we ever making excuses for selling things in the church in the name of ministry, or comfort? When we do this are we shutting out outside business and witnessing opportunities?

The answer here may be no. Take a moment this week to really look at your church service and community to examine whether anything seems to not fit with what Jesus had in mind for us. Is there something you can do about it? Are you ready to start?

newest project

2008-06-02T21:43:00.000-07:00

I am super excited about my newest project. I have decided to put my book on hold. I am just not ready to put it up for publication. So instead I am focusing on my next project. I am writing devotionals for the entire book of John. The audience I am keeping in mind is an adult small group studying John and interested in supplementing their study. Keep checking back and I'll post some samples.

another milestone

2008-05-20T21:42:00.000-07:00

Aren't milestones great? I have reached yet another one. I have let someone (my dear sister) read my entire book. She is the first to read it beginning to end and has said good things about it. I have said all along that I am unsure if this book will actually be my first major publication and am sticking to that. In fact tomorrow I have some time cut out to begin outlining my next less controversial project. So stay tuned. I'll let you know soon what it is. Thanks for checking in.

Womens' Tea

2008-05-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I am sorry about not posting anything last Monday. I was out of town and didn't have internet access. But I'm back now!

This last weekend I had a great opportunity speaking at a Womens' Tea in Tillamook, Or. It was a lot of fun. The theme of the Tea was "Becoming a Woman of Beauty." I spent my time talking about what real beauty is and what it isn't. I also mentioned some of the pitfalls women fall into causing us to doubt our beauty. Using the book of Esther, I pointed out the beauty of God and His promises, both to the Israelites and to us. For more information on this or other talks, please let me know.

early devotional work

2008-04-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

Here is a sample written a couple of years ago...

Scripture: 2 Corinthians 3:1-5

“Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, as some, letters of commendation (recommendation) to you or from you? You (God) are the letter, written in our hearts, known and read by all men; being manifested that you are a letter of Christ, cared for by us, written not with ink, but with the Spirit of the Living God, not on tablets of stone, but on tablets of human hearts. And such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves but our adequacy is from God.”

It is amazing to me that Paul wrote this letter to the Corinthians so long ago. It seems as though it could have been written for us today. If only this verse was written on our hearts, the way Christ is, how differently we might conduct our lives. The Bible tells us that we can do nothing aside from Christ. Such a statement should daily bring me to my knees in worship. As I look toward the future direction of my life, I first and foremost look to what I can do to gain admiration from others. But here Paul tells me that it is not about me. My accomplishments are not for my glory, but for the Lords. He is the One who commends us for all time. What a gentle reminder of our inadequacy! Our labor without Christ is in vain. What a waste of time to do anything for man’s glory. It will only last a short while. Furthermore, wouldn’t I much rather have the approval of God the Holy One of Israel than a sinful human being who is not any more worthy than myself. It is awesome that we receive His commendation before we do anything worthy of it. When we welcome Him into our hearts, He offers us a letter of recommendation, without even proving ourselves worthy. Why then do we look elsewhere for accolades?

Today, take a moment to worship the only One worthy of it. Contemplate your life without another word of human approval or compliment. Would you still be confident in who you are and in what you are doing? Would you still feel secure in your relationship with the Lord if you had no human complimenting you on the way you do it? Let His approval be enough. After all He died for your cause.

An update...

2008-04-21T16:43:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. Thanks again for reading this. I wanted to give you a brief update on how my "business" is going. It's going alright. I am frustrated often by not having enough time to do what I want to be doing...writing. It appears to be difficult to find time. My book is slowly, slowly, slowly coming along. I had a speaking engagement this past weekend that went well, and will be speaking at a Ladies Tea in May. I have to admit it is pretty great to use my gifts!! Please continue to check in with me as I continue this journey, it is not an easy one, but will be well worth it.

Random writing sample

2008-04-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

I went to the beach. I sat there, back against a log abandoned by the sea with my feet buried in the sand just far enough to leave only a sliver of red toenail polish in view. It was an unseasonably warm 75 degrees and the sound of the waves crashing against one another sang me into a sort of slumber. I leaned back and closed my eyes. I could feel the sun reddening my cheeks and was tempted to take off my sunglasses preventing a return to work with eyes mimicking the mask of Zorro. Alas, the brightness of the sky kept me from doing so. I breathed in and out. In and out. The ocean always seems to have a smell to it. It’s the smell of summer; the smell of salt water and warmth; the smell of camping and sunscreen. I breathed it in. My mind began to wander. I opened my eyes again and looked out across the beach. I saw a small boy, running as fast as he could; not towards anything, just running because he could feel the freedom of the sand against his bare feet. His parents followed several paces behind carrying blankets, bags and buckets. Looking the other direction I saw a couple walking hand in hand along the edge of the water. With each wave, I saw the water come in, leave grooves the shape of feet and pull back out into the body of water. The couple, with pants rolled up to mid calf and shoes swinging from their free hand, did not seem to notice the signature they were leaving on the beach. They too were headed towards nothing in particular, but were simply embracing what the ocean had to offer. As time wore on I began to feel as if I knew the people I was amongst. I became familiar with the family as I learned the borders of the young boys freedom. He could go past the log but not as far as the wet sand. I learned that dad was at the beach to relax and not to build sand castles as I saw him pop open a beer and sit back in his beach chair for the rest of the afternoon. I saw that mom did not enjoy the sun, since she wore long pants, a large floppy hat and was constantly applying sunscreen to not only herself but both men in her life. All around me I watched people interact with each other, never for a minute forgetting the power of the beach; the power to bring people together; the power to wash away anything else. As the weather began to cool down and the rumbles in my stomach signaled it was time to head home, I stood up slowly and began to wipe the sand from my legs, then my feet. I hated wiping it off, knowing before long it would be “something I did earlier in the day.” I wanted to have sandy feet all day, to take with me a bit of the peace the beach offers. But I knew I couldn’t. I had to simply remind myself it would be there waiting for me to return. And when I did, there would be another family, another couple, but still the same sand and still the same water.

Another sample from my book.

2008-04-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone. I wanted to show you another "side" to my book. Hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think.

October 1989
After we got back to Iris’ house that night I could tell she was still thinking about the evening. My parents said I could stay the night with Iris, so as we were changing into our pajamas, I decided to do some investigating. “Iris, why were you so uncomfortable tonight around Jay? I thought you two had had a good relationship.” Iris was quiet. “Iris is there something I don’t know?” Iris sat down crossed legged on the bed; her room was filled with pompoms and pictures of the drill team, a constant reminder that I hadn’t made the cut. After a few minutes of silence, Iris started a story that was new to me, but now feels like it has always been a part of who I am. “Wendy, I have never told you the truth about what was going on in my relationship with Jay or why we broke up. You see Jay and I had sex.” I sat down next to her in a bit of disbelief about what she said. In fact I started to smile a little at first, thinking she might be kidding, but I soon realized that was not the case. She continued, “I haven’t slept with anyone since that first time, but I did sleep with him. We had been going out for a few weeks and every time we kissed, Jay wanted more. I told him no but he would always wear me down a little. He told me if I didn’t go further, he’d tell everyone at school that I confessed to him I was a lesbian and that I had feelings for one of the girls in our class. I knew if that happened no one would want to hang out with me anymore and my life would be ruined. So finally one afternoon after school when my parents were both gone; I let him come over and we had sex here in my room.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” “I was ashamed. It was so painful, not at all like I thought it was going to be. While I didn’t want to do it, I at least expected it to be romantic; I even lit a few candles and turned on some music. But Jay wanted nothing to do with romance. He told me he knew what he was doing and I should just listen to what he had to say. So I did. Wendy, it hurt so bad and it didn’t seem like Jay knew what he was doing. A few minutes after we had started I asked him to stop, it hurt so badly, but he wouldn’t.” Tears started to come out of Iris’ eyes, so I wrapped my arm around her and told her we could stop talking about it, knowing that we wouldn’t, that we couldn’t. “Finally he left and I swore I was not going to do it again. I changed the sheets on my bed and started cleaning my room. I didn’t want anyone to know what I had done. Jay and I broke up a few days later.” I still couldn’t believe it. How could I have not known Iris had had sex? I had always been jealous of her because the boys liked her so much. I hadn’t even had a boyfriend yet. While I knew this news would cause some division between us, I also recognized that she hadn’t always had the advantage over me. We went to sleep that night in silence. I think Iris knew things between us were going to be different, but she also clearly had some relief in letting someone else in on her secret.

Calendar

2008-03-31T17:00:00.000-07:00

This has been a great week-career wise. For one, I now have business cards. And let me tell you, that was not an easy feat. I decided to design some myself (for the record, I am not a graphic artist or computer savvy) and took them to Kinkos to copy and cut them. Meanwhile like an hour later, I finally got them printed and copied and then had to cut them all. Whew! But now I am so excited to have something to give out. Let me know and I'll be happy to get one to you for your future reference. Secondly, I have added a feature to my blog listing upcoming speaking engagements. I am happy to have two dates on there, and hopefully a third very soon. I still have availability to speak at retreats, luncheons, parties or whatever, just contact me if you're interested. OK so not many people hire speakers for parties, but maybe it's time to think outside the box.
Also, my book is still coming along. Keep checking back and maybe I'll post another sneak peek, maybe even mid-week if I'm feeling particularly saucy.

The Book of John

2008-03-24T17:04:00.001-07:00

Below is a devotional from John Chapter 11 I wrote while I was in school. Enjoy!

The Muck

I don’t like rock climbing. The first time I went, I scurried up the rock; following the directions I had been given. However, about half way up, I froze. I couldn’t go up or down. People at the top and the bottom were reminding me what I had been instructed while still on the ground.

It is always so much easier to have faith in something before we are in the muck of it. And it is certainly easier to have faith in Jesus till it’s time to rely on that faith.

In John 11: 39, 40 we read about Jesus reminding Martha of the faith she claims to have. The passage reads, “Jesus said, ‘Remove the stone.’ Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, ‘Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days.’ Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not say to you, if you believe, you will see the glory of God?’”

Earlier that same day, Martha affirmed that Jesus could have kept Lazarus from dying. Why is she now questioning what He is capable of? She doubts because she is in the muck of it. This is not a reflection of disbelief or denial of who Jesus is. Rather, it is a moment of truth. It’s Martha’s faith in action. She is on the side of the rock frozen. Jesus calls to her from the top, “Martha, remember what I said, trust me and keep climbing.” Martha now has to move forward in faith. And she does. Verse 41 says, “And so they removed the stone.” (Although it does not say Martha gave the order to do so, given her position in the family, it would not have happened without her permission).

The above reference to my rock climbing experience was not my last attempt. Each time I tried I made it to the top but often through tears and a lot of coaching and encouragement. The task would be so much easier if I could just remember the instructions I received before I began and put it into action when I am on the rock!

When I am on the rock or in the muck of life I freeze not because I forget what the Lord has told me, but rather because I stop believing what I know He is capable of.

Which of God’s promises leads you to question His ability to fulfill it? What’s the muck in your life that causes you to stop believing what He can do?

revisions

2008-03-17T14:02:00.001-07:00

Many people have been asking what the revision process looks like. Basically I am going page by page looking for things as small as typos to grammar issues to areas that need to be reworded. I am also finding areas that need to be expanded. It'll take a while, but it's also fun. I am getting to know my book better. After i am done with this, then I'll start looking for a professional editor to look at it. I'll keep you posted!

First Novel

2008-03-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

This past Friday marked a milestone in my writing career--I finished the first draft of my novel! What this means is now come the revisions. As long as it's taken me to write the first draft, I expect this to be a process...don't run to the book stores yet. It is very exciting to know I have actually finished it. It is the longest piece of work I have ever written, currently at 186 pages (and yes, those are book pages). Below is a small sample taken from the first chapter (keep in mind it's pre-revision). Enjoy.

September 1988
Dear Journal, I love Junior High!! It has only been two days, but it’s been great. Going to a new school was a little scary at first, but now I love it. I love having my own locker, having an area where friends get to “hang out,” and how at this school it is cool to be Maren’s sister. Maren is very popular and I have gotten to meet several ninth graders because of her. There are so many new people and everyone is very nice. Well, except for this one girl, Dawn. Over the summer Iris and I had been on a softball team. We had a great season. I played first base and Iris was short stop. We won every game but one. We were playing against this team called The Davis Real Estate Eagles. It was a tie score. Our team mate Liz was up to bat. As she approached home plate, we all hollered cheers of encouragement. But somehow without thinking I yelled out, “Liz, pretend the ball is the pitchers head!” As the words left my mouth one by one I wanted to pull them back. But it was too late. The pitcher, Dawn, looked over at me with her permed mullet and gave me a glare that would have sunk the Titanic. As I shrunk down in my spot in the bleachers the only comfort I found was in knowing it was the end of the season and I wouldn’t have to see that pitcher again. The final score of the game was 8-5 Eagles. I moved on with life, trying to forget about the whole ugly event.
But, when I walked into 7th grade Earth Science on the first day of school, my heart plummeted when I looked up and saw Dawn was in the class. I went straight to my seat praying the whole way she would not recognize me. I can’t remember a single thing the teacher said, because all I could think was, “I know that pitcher is going to make my life a living hell!”
At the end of the day Iris approached me with Dawn at her side. I was deep in my locker looking for an eraser when the two approached me. “Wendy,” Iris said, “this is Dawn. Do you recognize her from softball this summer?” Hitting my head on the shelf as I pulled it out of the locker, realizing at the same time who Dawn was and what was happening, I responded, “No, I’m sorry I don’t remember. I’m Wendy.” “You don’t remember?” Iris retorted, “Dawn was the pitcher of the Eagles. You told Liz to pretend her head was the ball.” “Oh, that was you,” I offered with an uncomfortable smirk while thinking of the conversation Iris and I were going to have later. “What I meant by that was, well I mean, I didn’t actually want her to hit your head or anything, I, um, just wanted her to hit a home run…” Dawn looked at me, smirking and said, “I know what you meant, see you around.” With that Dawn walked off, leaving Iris and I at my locker. “She’s really nice,” Iris offered. I shut my locker door and we headed to the bus together. Something tells me it isn’t over with Dawn.

Latest published work

2008-03-05T18:59:00.000-08:00

Below are links to my latest published work. These are two articles written for Relevant Magazine. Check them out.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god_article.php?id=7215

http://relevantmagazine.com/god_article.php?id=7330

Welcome

2008-03-05T18:56:00.001-08:00

Hey welcome to my blog! This is going to be a place where I can keep you updated about my writing progress and speaking engagements. I will update the blog every Monday with any new information and samples of my writing. Please check back. Thanks again.