What I want when I want it!

Last week in therapy (yes, I’m in therapy--like all disfunctional writers should be) we were talking about trusting God, I mean really trusting Him. She challenged me to be specific with God about what I want; to trust Him to bless me with the “desires of my heart.” She said, “He knows them anyway, you might as well talk about them!”

Having heard Psalm 37:4-5 many, many times and not understanding them since I feel, if I am honest, that so many desires of my heart have gone unanswered, I felt a little numb to the idea. But in working on trust, I decided to try trusting her (my therapist) and give it a whirl.  

The next day, while staring at miles of tail lights, I took a moment to pray.  I asked God for exactly what I wanted that day. I reached down within myself to find what was most vulnerable, thinking the whole time if I can’t trust Him, who am I gonna trust--ever? I put up no stops.  I said, “This is what I want, and this is when I want it.”  I worked to stir up everything in me to trust that He wanted to give it to me, the way a dad wants desperately to please his daughter by giving her what she wants because it brings him joy to see her happy. I felt my eyes brim.  Then I let go.  

Throughout the day I looked for ways God might be answering my prayer, even in the smallest ways.  I waited.  But I did not see even a speckle of hope that He had in fact heard me.  I thought to myself, “The day is not over yet.  The day goes until midnight; don’t give up yet.”  

I woke up to a sad heart. I wanted to call my therapist and give her a small piece of my mind; email the Psalmist and sing him a thing or two! But mostly I wanted to say, “Why God, why?”  The funny thing was, that I didn’t really want to listen to His answer.  Because I knew in my heart that it would make sense.  I wasn’t interested in what made sense, I only wanted Him to give me what I asked from Him. I wallowed in self pity for awhile (it’s warm and comfortable there). But it didn’t help. 

Finally I gave up the fight and listened.  He was able to remind me of a couple of His other promises.  He does not force us to obey Him.  The Bible is full of examples of God’s call to us to obey Him and clear examples of our freedom not to. He won’t force other people to do things just to make me happy. Furthermore, God’s timing is fair.  He has a plan for everything and everyone.  But I have to wait--yuck! I hate waiting; which often becomes evident in my driving.  My view of the world is so small.  Again like the father who wants to give his daughter what she asks for but can’t fit a pony in the house. The daughter can’t understand this and has to wait and see how her father wants and is able to meet her desires. 

So I will continue to ask for what I want, fight with Him when it seems He doesn’t answer and eventually trust Him. He knows the desires of my heart; both good and bad.  He wants to bring me joy.