36 Years

I knew my mom for exactly 36 years.  She passed away December 15th, one day before my 36th birthday.  I’ve experienced nearly every possible emotion over the past 12 days. In fact it’s difficult to believe it’s only been that long. It feels now like it’s been 100 days. Mom had her first heart attack 18 months ago. As a result the doctors found she had Congestive Heart Failure. She had one functioning artery for her heart and it was only functioning at about 50%.  Many of her other organs were in the same condition. As time went by I was often asked how mom’s health was. My typical answer was that she was okay.  I knew she wasn’t getting any better and wouldn’t.  Her condition was only going to get worse. I knew mom wouldn’t live to be really old and that it could possibly be a long, hospital ridden road.  Yet even in all that it hit me like a ton of bricks when I got a call from my brother telling me mom had had another heart attack and it didn’t look good. As it turned out I was surprised by how suddenly it all happened. In every practical sense, she was gone before ever reaching the hospital. The next day we turned off the life support.  I sat there with her as her heart slowed, a little numb.  That moment in life is not something you can prepare for. 

Mostly now, it just seems unreal that she is gone. I think because I didn’t see her on a daily basis it seems possible she is still here and I’m just not with her. 

I feel like my life is different now; that I am changed. It’s like everything else that adds definition to who I am; I am now a person who’s mom has passed away. It changes my perspective and my understanding of things. I’ve already learned a lot about people around me; both those related and those not.  I am daily reminded of the things in my life that she will miss and about all the “items” she left behind that just don’t seem to really matter anymore.  I don’t know what the future held for our relationship and have to trust God that there was a reason He took her at this time. I am thankful she is now pain free and in a healthy body.  She is no longer stuck in the trappings of this world but instead before her Saviour.