No Commune Required

It was December the last time I provided any sort of “update” in this form.  It was only weeks before I left my job and life changed. It’s been a nearly five month journey since that post.   Nothing has gone the way I expected or planned.  If you’ve followed my blog or had any human interaction with me you know the Lord has continued to keep me on my toes.  He has consistently reminded me that He is in charge and nothing is ever final. I had big plans about what I thought life would look like after December 15th, some of them have been fulfilled, but most have exploded. In this quarter of a year I have experienced grief for the loss of my mom and the ever-changing dynamics of my family. I spent days unable to type a single word and been unable to muster a stitch of motivation to look for a job as I wrestled with grief. I have also developed a changed view of myself and who God has created me to be. As I begin to come out of the haze I see my path is uncertain, and feel a new freedom to disappoint people in huge ways.   

Most importantly I am learning this journey is just beginning.  I have miles and miles ahead.  As I type this I have been rejected from jobs (several of which I believed I was  qualified) again reminding me who has it under control.  Through this process I have at times allowed past wounds a voice which have abused my self confidence and given way to fear of what the future holds.  I have begun to loathe the questions, “How is your writing coming?” and “How are things?” because it forces me to form an answer that makes me sound better than I feel. My insecurities rear their head as I feel my progress should be greater by now. As I listen to God telling me about His grace and plan for my life I am reminded the only finish or destination I will ever find is when life on Earth ends.  Even then, life will really be just beginning.  I am learning that I am not trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, but rather what I want my life to be; who I want to be.  The rest is so vastly insignificant.  

God has been placing in my way people who are enjoying the journey of life instead of trying to find it’s start or following after what other’s want for them.  In this He is showing me my options.  I have been able to spend time with people I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise and had freedom to say yes when others have to say no. This does not mean I am looking for ways to be irresponsible or throw all kinds of caution to the wind.  It does not mean I will move to a commune or start practicing “free love.”  It simply means, figuring out how to be content with who and where I am and go wherever He wants me to. And most of all, to be willing to start all over again.