Dating is hard. Blind dates can be harder. It’s not always hours of meeting for coffee or drinks, dinner and movies or picking out the right outfit. It’s also trying to evaluate another person with very little information.
I suppose the disclaimer here should be that dating gets harder as you get older. In my teens and college years when single guys were at least seemingly everywhere, I was shy, unsure of myself and felt like I wasn’t good enough to get someone to notice me. Sure, I giggled with my girlfriends about guys I had crushes on, but never actually expected one of them to crush on me. I went through many of the motions and even went out with a few guys -- some quality and some not. But overall, I watched girlfriends meet guys and get married as bridesmaid dresses piled up in my closet and I asked God when would it be my turn. This phase of life seemed to last a long time. I blamed God. I made excuses.
As I approached my 30’s I continued to watch friends get married and start families. I became increasingly cynical about why God was keeping me single, watching other’s lives from the sidelines. I asked, “What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I figure out the ‘secret’? Am I not pretty enough? Not thin enough? Not outgoing enough? Too outgoing?” There had to be something askew, but what was it? Why were other girls meeting their special someone and I kept feeling like the only one not going to the Prom! Slowly I began to discover that I might be the problem. I had been getting in my own way for many years. I was scared. I had continually looked for excuses to not be in relationship, ultimately it was easier. I didn’t want anyone to know the real me, so I sabotaged every chance at love that came my way.
So, I began to think about what I could do about it.
The funny thing is I am no longer in a time when everyone around me is single and there is a plethora of quality single men. I started to wonder if maybe I had waited too long. I needed to meet some single guys who were looking to date and had at least some social awareness, I mean I still wasn’t willing to settle! So where does one go these days if the bars aren’t the kind of relationship they are looking for? That’s right, the Internet!
As I began my quest (or rather what felt like a part-time job with the amount of time it was taking!), I perused the vast ocean of profiles and photos. I came across the sleazy ones looking for a “good time” demonstrating so by posting only photos of their bare chests -- delete. I saw the ones who clearly had never been taught how to interact with people, let alone women -- delete. There was the guy who messaged me one question: How overweight is too much for you? To which I thought, “Really? That’s your opening line?” -- delete. Another one who told me he had four children from a previous marriage, but I shouldn’t worry because one of them wasn’t talking to him. Ummm -- delete.
Finally, I was being messaged by some seemingly not murderers or douche bags and decided to go on a few dates. That was where the real work began. I was extremely nervous on the first internet date I went on. After emailing with him a bit, I assessed he seemed safe and I met him in a public place. He was a very nice, grown-up man. He asked me questions, made some jokes, shared about himself and picked up the tab. All in all, a good date. Except there were no sparks and the end of the date was really awkward. Back to the proverbial drawing board and the other guys I was “messaging” with.
I quickly learned about how different someone could be in an online conversation (or in an, what’s-a-nice-way-to-put-this? photo) than who they are on a real date. A couple of the men I went out with were very eloquent in their messages but could barely put three words together in conversation and vice versa. I quickly decided on a two date rule, determining that everyone’s nervous on the first date and that you don’t get a really good read for someone until at least the second date.
After my second date with one particular guy I knew it wasn’t destiny and looked for a way to gently let him know I wasn’t interested in the third date he had proposed. Fortunately, he revealed quickly that I had made the right choice when he texted to tell me, “Last night was really expensive for nothing!” Ah, what a gentleman. And I thought all the good ones were gone!
Through this experience I went on roughly 12 first dates, some second dates and messaged with a variety of men. I worked hard at being willing to step outside my comfort zone. A couple of them I favored, others I knew right away it was a bad idea, one I saw a possible future with. Most had been married and had at least one child. Some were still married (I stopped communicating with them as soon as I learned of it!). A few took the time to really work on their profile, while others stood in front of their bathroom mirror, took a self-portrait with their phone and called it good. ALL claimed to be “adventurous” while also enjoying quiet time at home -- with the right girl.
Even after all of this, I discovered more about myself than I did about any of them. I learned what I want and what I won’t settle for. I was stretched outside my comfort zone. It forced me to really and practically think about things I hadn’t considered before, like what to expect from a man who already has children -- something I hadn’t honestly thought through before. I also learned that I am quite a catch. I am beautiful, desirable and mature; any guy would be lucky to have me on his arm. I hadn’t really understood that before, but now I do. I am determined now to better understand God’s purpose in keeping me single at least for now, keeping one eye out and not giving up. I have never been naive nor believed marriage solves anything, including loneliness. But at the same time I think it can be great with the right guy. I’ve closed my online account and am taking a break -- dating is not only hard, it’s exhausting! In some ways I feel like I am back at square one, watching the world of relationships whirl around me. But in other ways I know I am more open than ever. My hope wavers sometimes, as I remember it’s not something that can be forced, but I REFUSE to settle. After all, I’ll spend more time with my spouse than anyone else, I better like him a lot!
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